Both strategies begin with a polite interruption followed by a quick retreat.  The first one takes some chutzpah, aiming itself at the whole group while the second strategy targets a single person first before gaining an entrée into the larger group soon thereafter.  Both can give you the opening you need to break the barrier of closed-circle groups and save you from a night of eating alone at the bar during a conference or event.

Let’s take a closer look:

The Group Tackle

The group tackle involves a brief introduction followed by an immediate retreat—an emphatic statement that the group continue the conversation without further ado.  Last summer, I attended a Mediabistro conference with headliner Tim Ferriss.  I was dying to meet Tim so I stuck around after his keynote to introduce myself.  Not surprisingly, nearly a dozen people had beaten me to the punch. Tim was holding court at the periphery of the auditorium with a rapt audience.  Undeterred, I approached the group assertively, waited for Tim to see me and said the following:

1. Hi Tim, I’m Jodi Glickman Brown with Great on the Job, I didn’t want to interrupt but I’m fascinated to hear about what you do
2. Please, continue and I’ll just listen in

By not engaging in further conversation other than my quick intro, I made it explicitly clear that I didn’t intend to take over the conversation or change the natural direction or momentum of the dialogue.

After lobbing in your quick intro, the next step is to go into “listen mode” for several minutes before venturing into the conversation again.  Get a sense of the context and players around you.  Then, once you’ve got your footing, feel free to chime in after the others know who you are and see that you’ve been listening respectfully to the dialogue going on around you.

After listening to Tim and the group for several minutes, I lobbed in a question related to Great on the Job and my own book deal with St. Martins’ Press.  I will never forget Tim’s gracious response and his practical advice, and I’d be willing to bet both were to some degree due to the way I skillfully handled my entrance.

The Single Sideliner

For those who are intimidated by the group approach, there’s also a way to gain access to the group incrementally.  Stand nearby a member of the group until you make eye-contact and then politely and unobtrusively introduce yourself to that person.  After a one-line introduction, throw in a soft-sell about how you’d love an introduction to the broader group at the appropriate moment.  It goes something like this:

1. Hi, I’m Jodi Glickman Brown with Great on the Job, how are you? I don’t want to interrupt but I just wanted to listen in to the conversation…
2. I’d love an introduction to your colleagues at some point if you don’t mind

Then, if and when you do get that introduction to the broader group, follow up with a “so nice to meet you all” and then go back immediately into listen mode until you feel comfortable that you have something of value to add to the conversation.  Alternatively, you now have the opening you need to follow up individually with any other members of the group once the gang has dispersed or there is a natural lull in the conversation.

In both of these approaches, you join the group as a voyeur, but a voyeur with a free pass—because you’ve made the cursory personal introduction without stealing anyone’s thunder or rattling any feathers and you’ve explained your benign intentions—you’re just here to listen and learn.  From that point of entry, you can then come from a position of strength to follow up with your new found friends/colleagues/potential clients to begin a lasting and meaningful conversation.

Last week, my husband Eric was caught in the crosshairs of an overzealous museum curator eager to impart his knowledge about twentieth-century model trains

Fortunately, there is a way to exit gracefully.

We have all been in Eric’s place, stuck in a tedious, boring or uncomfortable conversation, at work functions or social gatherings. Common courtesy dictates that you don’t cut someone off mid-conversation and I personally know of no way to politely let someone know that you find their debate over live steam versus diesel-hydraulic powered model trains, well, boring.

This three-step signoff, however, will get you on your way without leaving your collocutor feeling slighted:

1. Start with “Thank you”
2. Discover a spontaneous transition
3. Suggest forward momentum or a consolation prize

“Thank you.” This part is easy. Whether or not you are enjoying someone’s company or conversation, it’s not hard to thank them for their time. You don’t have to be insincere and tell them how much you’ve enjoyed the conversation if in fact you haven’t, but there’s no harm in being gracious and thanking them for their time.

Discover a spontaneous transition. Polite excuses are easy to come by after the fact, but they often trip us up in the moment. The tried and true, “I’ve got a call to make,” “I’m going to be late for an appointment or lunch date” or even “I’d better go find my [wife, colleague, friend]“ are standard but often feel forced without a plausible transition. A spontaneous interruption is the glue that holds your alibi together and makes the polite excuse work. A few good ones include:

• “Oh my goodness, I just realized its eight o’clock, I’ve got a call to make”; or
• “You know what? I just noticed the time, I’m going to be late for an appointment”; or
• I’d love to continue the conversation, but unfortunately I do need to run, “I’d better go find my husband”

Suggest forward momentum or consolation prize. This is where true skill comes in. Adding a hint of forward momentum or offering a “consolation prize” in lieu of your continued presence turns an uncomfortable or awkward excuse into a graceful exit. Examples include offering to stay in touch with someone (only if you mean it), recommending the person’s business or hobby to someone else who might be interested, or committing to follow through on a topic the two of you just discussed””You will make sure to read the latest Wired article, try out that new iPhone surf report app, or visit that hole-in-the wall dive on your next visit to Memphis. It might be as simple as reminding your chatty new acquaintance of the fabulous dessert they should go try.

In Eric’s case, what he needed to do was thank the curator for his time, politely excuse himself and then offer to recommend the exhibit to a friend who would certainly be interested in taking a tour. It would have gone something like this:

“Thanks so much, what an interesting perspective. Unfortunately, I’d better get going, but I will definitely tell my father in law about the exhibit, he’s an avid history buff. Thanks again.”

If you feel like you can’t find any grounds for establishing forward momentum without being disingenuous (you wouldn’t dare subject a friend to the curator’s oration), then a final strategy is to simply acknowledge your counterparty’s passion and enthusiasm for a particular topic and express your gratitude for the quick lesson on model trains.

“Thanks so much for your time. How amazing””I could have never guessed these trains were actually hand built and powered by steam engines. Good luck with the exhibit and thanks again.”

A gracious and appreciative, “I never imagined there could be so much detail and precision in a model train!” goes a long way toward making the curator feel good about the conversation”“and allowing you to skip away guilt-free.

But staying in touch isn’t always in person and it definitely doesn’t have to be hard.  Keith Ferrazzi, networker extraordinaire and author of Who’s Got Your Back? posted his “pinging primer“ on his website and gave some great advice on how to think about pinging your contacts (I loved the way he organized his speed dial).

Great on the Job takes it one step further.  I use TOUs, or thinking of yous, to encourage people to reach out to others in their network.  TOUs are short emails and whereas an IOU makes you indebted to someone, TOUs instead create goodwill.  Thinking of yous are inherently generous and the goal is to maintain relevance with someone by sharing information or passing along well wishes, with the side benefit of keeping someone on your radar or staying on theirs.

So what should the subject of these TOUs be?  Here are five foolproof ways to ping someone this summer with a TOU:

Pass along an article of interest: Julie, I read this article in the Boston Globe today and I thought of you and wanted to pass it along.  This sounds like its right in the sweet spot of what your team is working on.  Hope all is well.  Best, Erica.  [* extra credit for highlighting or bold facing the relevant paragraph or sections of the article]

Congratulate someone on good news: Adam, I spoke with Aaron last week and he mentioned your promotion / new baby / move to Chicago. Congratulations, I’m very happy for you.  Once you get settled in, let’s schedule coffee to catch up and see how things are going.  Fondly, Kevin

Share a job lead: Cynthia, I wanted to reach out let you know that L&M is looking for a new property manager.  If you know anyone who might be interested, please feel free to forward along to colleagues or friends.  Warm Regards, Casey

Acknowledge a sport fan’s win: Nathan, congrats! I watched the game last night and saw that the Buckeyes pulled it off at the last minute, enjoy your bragging rights today.  Roger

Reference a run-in with a mutual friend: Elise, Eric and I saw Katherine today and she’s just come back from L.A. and sends her regards.  Let’s try to all get together soon.  Jodi

And then, as so often happens when boy meets girl-girl gets attached, boy disappears and girl’s friends do their best to tell her he wasn’t all that anyway.  As one of those friends, I tried to comfort and reassure Anna after Mr. Right went MIA.

Fortunately or unfortunately, as Anna was rehashing all of Mr. Right’s sudden and inexplicable transgressions, I inadvertently reverted into my GOTJ lens.  I was immediately struck by Mr. Right’s lack of generosity (three word text after a week of radio silence?) and inertia (no mention of future plans).  I couldn’t contain myself.  I said, Anna, I’m sorry to go here, but I have to tell you, Mr. Right is all wrong.

I spend a lot of time thinking and writing about what makes people effective communicators and good at relating to others in the workplace.  And while I don’t pretend to know the first thing about dating, two of the founding principals of Great on the Job are generosity and forward momentum.  These two attributes are absolutely critical to success in the workplace.

Is generosity really a business skill, you might ask?  The answer is definitively yes.  People who share information are generally held in higher esteem than those who withhold information.  How about people who share credit?  Would you rather work for a boss who acknowledges your contributions or who takes all the credit for himself?  Eduardo Castro-Wright, Vice-Chairman of Wal-Mart said he read early on in his career that “You can accomplish almost anything in life if you do not care who takes credit for it.”   That’s generosity in action.

Forward momentum is a little more obvious; yet many of us don’t focus on it enough. Life and business are all about forward momentum-being proactive, taking the next step, moving the ball forward.  Everyone knows, you’re only as good as your last [game, deal, byline, job] you get the idea.   You can’t stand on your laurels, you need to keep producing, selling, teaching, or doing whatever you do.  To succeed in business, you must build, maintain and nurture relationships-so that they are ongoing and productive.

So let’s go back to Mr. Right.  Here he was, MIA for a week, and he turns up with a “dinner at 9?’ text.  No, “hey, qt how r you?”  No, “hope ur having a good day.”  No, “would love to grab dinner, what nite works 4U?”  Not even “can’t wait 2 C U 2nite.”     Instead, a chintzy question/command.  Anna fell for it, and met him for dinner.  And then, the next week after again no word, he finally sends another message “work is crazy busy, sorry I haven’t been in touch.”  And that’s it.  That’s all.  No mention of future plans, no dinner or drinks or afternoon stroll in the park.

And there it was: my dear Abby moment.  Great on the Job’s dating column advice: get rid of Mr. Right, he’s all wrong. Mr. Wrong wasn’t generous, with his emotions or his time, nor did he show any interest in or inclination to move the ball forward and build momentum for the relationship.  For Mr. Wrongs sake, I hope while he’s “crazy busy” at work, he puts some thought into being generous with his clients (with his time and attention) and maintains forward momentum with them.  He should have more time, after all, now that he let Ms. Perfect slip away.

So I love this quote from Michael Wilbon, an ESPN commentator and sports writer, who was working on an article in the early 1980s and needed some help.  His boss ordered him to call former Boston Celtic’s coach and basketball legend Red Auerbach.  Wilbon said he might as well have been asked to call God.  Wilbon started off the conversation by apologizing for interrupting Red’s evening at home, to which Red responded “kid, if it’s a choice between interrupting me or writing something stupid, call.” 

What an amazingly generous response!  Wilbon went on to say that he took Red up on the offer periodically over the ensuing years.  Think about Red the next time someone asks you for help or assistance-if you’re in a rush, you’re on a deadline, you’re not interested, take a minute and remember that it could very well be you next time on the other end in need of help.  

Sports fan bonus: Boston.com Sports

Going forward, I promise to stick to this formula.  It is pure coincidence that this post comes at exactly the time I am launching my long-overdue blog.  I know that I owe you all at least 19 additional posts before again even thinking of mentioning a promotional tidbit…  You have my word.  So without further ado, here goes-the best SSP Great on the Job could ask for.  Apparently, it’s time to reach out to Wal-Mart.

* * * * *

Sunday, May 24, Eduardo Castro-Wright, Vice Chairman of Wal-Mart, was interviewed for the NYT business section.  Castro-Wright was asked, among other things, what business schools should be teaching more or less of.  Here’s what he said:

I’ve done this quiz several times when we have gone to talk at business schools. I always ask people, “So who’s taking accounting?” And everybody raises their hand. And, “Who’s taking strategy?” And everybody raises their hand – and you go on with your typical curriculum about the business school. Mostly they are very good at teaching strategy, operations, management, finance, accounting.

But then I ask, “O.K., how many courses have you taken on how you talk with an employee you’re firing?” Or, “How do you talk with the person who comes to your office late at night to tell you that her daughter is sick and she might not be able to come in the following day?” Or, “What do you say when they come in with issues in their marriage that are impacting their job?”

As managers and leaders of people, those are the kinds of questions that one deals with probably 80 percent of the time. I think that business schools could do more to prepare kids to deal with the often more difficult side of business management and leadership. The balance of courses is probably weighted to the numeric side of business as opposed to the people side of business.

I couldn’t agree more.  Technical skills are important.   But in my mind, in 9 out of 10 cases, the precursor to success isn’t being the smartest, hardest working or most technologically savvy.  In fact, it’s the way you ask for time off when a family emergency arises, or how you handle a crisis when, as my dad used to say, the feces hits the rudders.  And frankly, it’s how you introduce yourself on your first day, week, month on the job in a way that is interesting, compelling and memorable.

So what should you do when an employee tells you that his daughter is sick?  1) you can and should be as supportive as possible to your employee, and 2) you need to maintain the forward momentum of your organization.  Here’s the rap:

1. Be supportive and empathetic “I’m so sorry for your situation, is there anything we can do for you or your family?”
2. Offer to help with his workload if necessary: “do you need help in getting anything taken care of while you’re out?  do you have backup to cover for you?  is there someone I can reach out to on your behalf to make sure nothing falls through the cracks while you’re out?”

In an ideal world, your employee would come to you with the solution in hand (I’m going to be gone tomorrow but I’ve covered my bases and Jonathan will take over for me).  But if that doesn’t happen, ask how you can help move that process along.  The goal is for you to make sure your employee and your firm are both taken care of, so if you have to step in or step up, its worth it to keep things running smoothly.   And besides being the right thing to do, it will no doubt generate goodwill on the part of your employee.

With that, an introduction to Great on the Job.  Take a look around the site and see what you think!

best, jodi

Management Guru Fans Bonus: NYTimes/EduardoCastro-Wright