Last week, my husband Eric was caught in the crosshairs of an overzealous museum curator eager to impart his knowledge about twentieth-century model trains

Fortunately, there is a way to exit gracefully.

We have all been in Eric’s place, stuck in a tedious, boring or uncomfortable conversation, at work functions or social gatherings. Common courtesy dictates that you don’t cut someone off mid-conversation and I personally know of no way to politely let someone know that you find their debate over live steam versus diesel-hydraulic powered model trains, well, boring.

This three-step signoff, however, will get you on your way without leaving your collocutor feeling slighted:

1. Start with “Thank you”
2. Discover a spontaneous transition
3. Suggest forward momentum or a consolation prize

“Thank you.” This part is easy. Whether or not you are enjoying someone’s company or conversation, it’s not hard to thank them for their time. You don’t have to be insincere and tell them how much you’ve enjoyed the conversation if in fact you haven’t, but there’s no harm in being gracious and thanking them for their time.

Discover a spontaneous transition. Polite excuses are easy to come by after the fact, but they often trip us up in the moment. The tried and true, “I’ve got a call to make,” “I’m going to be late for an appointment or lunch date” or even “I’d better go find my [wife, colleague, friend]“ are standard but often feel forced without a plausible transition. A spontaneous interruption is the glue that holds your alibi together and makes the polite excuse work. A few good ones include:

• “Oh my goodness, I just realized its eight o’clock, I’ve got a call to make”; or
• “You know what? I just noticed the time, I’m going to be late for an appointment”; or
• I’d love to continue the conversation, but unfortunately I do need to run, “I’d better go find my husband”

Suggest forward momentum or consolation prize. This is where true skill comes in. Adding a hint of forward momentum or offering a “consolation prize” in lieu of your continued presence turns an uncomfortable or awkward excuse into a graceful exit. Examples include offering to stay in touch with someone (only if you mean it), recommending the person’s business or hobby to someone else who might be interested, or committing to follow through on a topic the two of you just discussed””You will make sure to read the latest Wired article, try out that new iPhone surf report app, or visit that hole-in-the wall dive on your next visit to Memphis. It might be as simple as reminding your chatty new acquaintance of the fabulous dessert they should go try.

In Eric’s case, what he needed to do was thank the curator for his time, politely excuse himself and then offer to recommend the exhibit to a friend who would certainly be interested in taking a tour. It would have gone something like this:

“Thanks so much, what an interesting perspective. Unfortunately, I’d better get going, but I will definitely tell my father in law about the exhibit, he’s an avid history buff. Thanks again.”

If you feel like you can’t find any grounds for establishing forward momentum without being disingenuous (you wouldn’t dare subject a friend to the curator’s oration), then a final strategy is to simply acknowledge your counterparty’s passion and enthusiasm for a particular topic and express your gratitude for the quick lesson on model trains.

“Thanks so much for your time. How amazing””I could have never guessed these trains were actually hand built and powered by steam engines. Good luck with the exhibit and thanks again.”

A gracious and appreciative, “I never imagined there could be so much detail and precision in a model train!” goes a long way toward making the curator feel good about the conversation”“and allowing you to skip away guilt-free.

It’s hard to argue that a primetime network T.V. show that debuts after the Super Bowl has any mission other than to entertain the masses. It’s perhaps unfair then to ascribe any responsibility to the “Undercover Boss” other than the blatantly obvious—we all knew what we were getting—another reality show.

In reality T.V., however, there is an endgame separate and apart from mere entertainment. The Bachelor promises love, American Idol fortune and fame, and The Apprentice, a dream job with The Donald. In the case of the Undercover Boss: the chance for an executive to “garner an up-close look at his company and workforce to see how and where improvements can be made.”

And so I found myself hopeful that Larry O’Donnell, President and COO of Waste Management might provide both entertainment and some real lessons on management and leadership. Unfortunately, Larry missed the boat on the valuable learning of the day—namely the importance of a feedback loop within an organization.

Initial praise for the show ran deep, with the New York Times quoting executive producer Stephen Lambert “Anybody who has had a boss, or who has worked in a company, will understand this show…and for the person in charge, to be able to see what their employees are really doing seemed like an exciting idea.”

Exciting isn’t exactly the word many would use to describe a manager’s responsibility to know what his employees are doing. Shouldn’t it be expected (or at least aspired to) that leaders know what their front-line workers are up to?

With the five employees Larry shadowed on candid-camera, he proposed tailor-made remedies to each of their complaints—a task force here, a new policy there, a modest wage increase for another. Larry was genuinely touched by the challenges his employees faced and was humbled by the dignity and respect with which they carried themselves and contributed to the organization. Yet it’s not what Larry learned that was disappointing—it’s what he didn’t learn.

Standing on a podium presenting his “findings” to a raucous crowd of WM employees, Larry failed to consider the issues facing the remaining 45,000 employees of Waste Management. Larry didn’t look at the big picture of what the show revealed. Instead of fixating on the individual problems that surfaced during the show, Larry should have realized that WM appears to be an organization in which no effective feedback loop exists. To be sure, the five lucky employees who spent a day with Larry weren’t the only ones suffering at the hands of the productivity missives barreling down from the top.

It’s not just a problem that female garbage collectors aren’t given the decency of bathroom breaks: it’s a problem that Larry didn’t know that that was the case. It’s not just a problem that employees were dashing out of the cafeteria, petrified of being docked pay–it’s a problem that their behavior had never reached him. If Larry heads back to WM and makes only incremental changes in a few of the company’s practices, he’s missed an enormous opportunity to improve something much more critical to his company.

The key lesson for Larry is that productivity initiatives are a two-way street. There’s got to be an information channel that goes from bottom to top as well as from top to bottom. Based on his week in the field, Larry might have realized that Waste Management wasn’t doing a good job of listening to and soliciting feedback from its frontline employees—hearing from them what was working and what wasn’t, what was helping them and what was hurting them. Making people happy, giving them ownership in processes and policies, and treating employees like valued and respected members of a community or organization—that’s the way to increase productivity.

Senior leadership has a responsibility to know what employees are doing on a regular basis—it shouldn’t be treated as a special event. I believe management has a responsibility to work the front lines of every organization. There’s a reason we have a “take your kids to work” day and not a “take your boss to work day.” It’s expected that the boss knows how to pick up trash, make a widget or close the deal. Many companies are on top of this: Zappo’s CEO spends time talking to customers and filling orders and the CEO of Burger King knows how to work a cash register. And even on Wall Street, you’re hard pressed to find a managing director who didn’t cut his or her teeth pulling all-nighters as a lowly analyst. Wouldn’t it have been great if Larry had taken his moment on reality TV to learn that lesson–and to show the rest of us what that transformation could look like?

To see the HBR comments, click here

Excerpt from the Forte Foundation webinar: Sucessfully Navigating the Workplace: Communication Strategies for Women Leaders

Monthly is too often—it can overwhelm the person from whom you’re requesting the feedback.  About once a quarter is a good target—the goal is to have 3-5 touch points over the course of the year. You can and should spread those requests for feedback out—don’t always ask the same person for feedback.  Have a stable of people you’re hearing from and listening to—both junior and senior to you.

from the Q&A portion of the Forte Foundation webinar “Successfully Navigating the Workplace: Communication Strategies for Women Leaders”

December is performance review month. While the merits and validity of a year-end review are often the subject of

Your managers will spend much time (hopefully) preparing to deliver your review in a thoughtful and constructive manner. You should spend as much time, if not more, preparing yourself to receive the feedback in a thoughtful and constructive way too—to impress your manager, address negative issues head-on, and set a positive tone for the year ahead.

2009 has been a tough year for many of us. Most people I know have been hanging on for dear life at their jobs, versus swinging for the fences. It is rare, these days, to hear, “I knocked it out of the park.”

For those who are more apprehensive than usual regarding the fateful meeting with the boss, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. More importantly, know that there are three things you can and should do to prepare yourself, whether or not you expect the conversation to be difficult.

The goal of the performance review, from your perspective (not just your manager’s), should be to:

1. Highlight what you’ve done well
2. Acknowledge areas of weakness
3. Demonstrate what you’re doing now to make things better next year

1. Highlight what you’ve done well

Before your performance review, you owe it to yourself to take stock of your accomplishments and be ready to toot your own horn. No one else is going to do it for you. This may be your only chance to let senior management know about 2009 “wins,” big or small. Failing to go into that meeting prepared to dazzle your manager with what you’re most proud of is nothing short of professional negligence. Too many people walk out of a performance review caught off-guard and realize after the fact that they’ve just spent thirty minutes talking about what went wrong without ever mentioning their important clients, biggest deals or contributions to the firm.

2. Acknowledge areas of weakness

Don’t fight the obvious. I’ve spoken to several people lately who have expressed a great deal of concern about their upcoming reviews. In two cases, both people told me right off the bat about the criticism they knew was coming at them. If you know what’s coming, don’t try to hide behind it. You’ll do far better with your manager if you acknowledge the issue and then show how you’re moving past it or why it actually isn’t a problem after all.

Anna B., a human resource professional, had been receiving rave reviews from her internal clients in the various business divisions she covered. Her HR manager, however, didn’t like Anna’s direct approach and disregard for the hierarchy implicit in the organization. Anna spent a lot of time thinking about the differences between her and her manager before her performance review. She recognized her work-style was different and could be perceived as threatening, but she also knew that she delivered results and her clients valued her contributions greatly. She decided to frame the discussion like this: her process might be different, but her work product was excellent. If the firm valued process over product, then perhaps she should look for something new. If the firm valued her work product, then she and her manager needed to find some common ground on process while not sacrificing the end goal: great client service, which she was delivering.

3. Demonstrate what you’re doing now to make things better next year

Here’s where you’ve got to be ahead of the eight ball. It doesn’t fly to just sit there and listen and agree to work harder or smarter or better next year. You’ve got to show a meaningful understanding of what went wrong, or what was sub-optimal, and then show what you’re already doing, or planning to do, to fix the situation.

David M. had just moved cross-country and his productivity had slipped. He knew he wasn’t on top of his game while getting his life up and running in California. He himself was upset that he hadn’t been able to produce the results he had hoped for in the 4^th quarter and he was nervous about his upcoming review. I asked David how he was going to improve his productivity in the new year. He mentioned several new initiatives underway and the fact that his transition period would be over. I encouraged David to pre-empt the criticism. He needed to walk into that meeting, acknowledge the disruption his move had caused and then move past it quickly with a concrete timeline and action plan for producing results in the first half of 2010.

The performance review can be a valuable learning experience. It takes work, however. Don’t be an observer—be an active participant in the conversation. Know and be able to communicate what has gone well, what hasn’t and how you’re working to improve next year—and you’ll be well positioned for a constructive dialogue that shows you to be the competent and capable professional you are.

To see the HBR comments, click here

But learning how to ask for help — and how to do it right — is critical to doing your job well and setting yourself up for success.

You may be afraid of looking dumb, but to be afraid to ask for and get the help you need is inexcusable, especially when the stakes are high. Asking for help in the workplace is a good thing. In fact, asking for help the right way can show how smart you are: it demonstrates that you’ve got good judgment and shows that you know what you know and what you don’t know. Moreover, getting help up front saves endless time, energy and resources on the back end; in the Madoff case, it could have saved billions of dollars and immeasurable heartache.

Of course, it’s not just asking for help — it’s asking the right way. I recently coached a young man in commercial real-estate who relayed a conversation he had with his boss about starting a new regional initiative for his firm’s brokers. Several times he asked, “How should I do this?” or “How should I think about this?” I cringed every time.

Instead, think about the following strategy to get the best answer — and show how smart you are — the next time you ask for help:

1. Start your question with what you know. Do your homework first. Get enough background information to put your issue or problem in context. Give the other person an idea of what you’ve completed to date or what you know already and then proceed to explain what’s outstanding, where or how you’re struggling, or what you need help with.
2. Then, state the direction you want to take and ask for feedback, thoughts or clarification. Form an opinion on what you think the answer should be. Don’t just ask, “How should I reach out to the brokers?” Instead propose a course of action and get your boss’s feedback: “I’m thinking of sending out a mass email to the brokers but I’m not sure if that’s the most effective format…what do you think of that approach?”
3. If you don’t know the direction to take, ask for tangible guidance. Instead of asking “What should I do?” ask specifically for the tools you’ll need to make that decision yourself, such as a recent example of a similar analysis or a template for a given task. Or, ask for a referral to someone who has worked on a similar initiative or project in the past.

In the vast majority of cases, you’ll get a lot further in your career by asking the tough, smart questions. Had the SEC junior staffers pressed senior management for more guidance and help, Bernie might have been stopped long ago.

To see HBR comments, click here

In managing through the crisis, Letterman has been effective and endearing in getting his message out he’s done three important things right:

1. He got out in front of the problem
2. He took ownership of the problem
3. He told everyone how he planned on fixing the problem

Out in front: Dave didn’t wait for the media to break the story. Instead, he went on the offensive, crafting the story himself that he wanted the world to hear. In a nationally televised mea culpa that lasted ten minutes in length—an eternity in network air time—Dave admitted to the affairs and apologized to everyone involved. He used his comedic timing to soften the blow, but his message was sincere and contrite and he took full responsibility for his actions.

Letterman continued to stay out in front of the drama as events unfolded over the following weekend. After initially declaring he wouldn’t speak about the matter again, Dave reappeared the following Monday joking that he’d rather be hiking the Appalachian Trail and that even his GPS system was no longer talking to him. He then acknowledged that while he had hoped to avoid the topic, “that’s all people want to seem to talk about.” Thus followed a second appeal apologizing to female staffers for their harassment by the media and to his wife for her “horribly hurt” feelings.

Ownership: It took a lot of courage for Letterman to tell the American public that he was being blackmailed for doing terrible things and then to admit that he had in fact done those terrible things. But the self-deprecating Letterman didn’t make excuses or blame others. He just took it on the chin in front of the world to see. His forthright approach seems to be helping him on the corporate sponsorship front. So far, there’s been no fallout in advertising for CBS. A New York Times article entitled, Letterman’s Sponsors Appear to be Unperturbed noted that Madison Avenue hasn’t abandoned Dave. As an advertising executive noted, “The fact he addressed it head-on, in a very open and honest way, is probably going to position him in the best way he could be positioned in a situation like this.”

Communicating the plan: During Dave’s second on-air apology, he said, “If you hurt a person and it’s your responsibility, you try to fix it. Let me tell you, folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

In business, as in life, it’s not that you won’t make mistakes, everyone will and does. What’s important is how you manage those mistakes. As a manager, you need to stay out in front of issues and not get caught behind them. There isn’t a junior banker out there who hasn’t made an error in his merger math. As the Vice President sitting in front of the client, you’ve got to make the split-second decision—do you acknowledge the mistake and explain it away or hope the client doesn’t notice? Any VP worth her salt will let the client know up front that there’s a number that’s wrong—and then commit to getting the correct analysis over ASAP.

Once you flag those problems, you need to take ownership for them and propose solutions immediately. An in-house accountant at a privately-held real-estate firm overpaid bonuses by $5 million one year. Three executives were forced to return the money. The accountant was sick over it and offered to resign. The executives didn’t accept his resignation. His taking full responsibility for the screw-up may have in fact saved his job; one can only imagine what would have happened had he tried to cover up a seven-figure discrepancy or place the blame on others.

Letterman is going to have to endure a lot of public scrutiny and disapproval in the coming weeks and months. The blogosphere is abuzz with rumors of divorce. But Letterman stayed above board throughout his ordeal. He addressed the issue head on, took ownership for his dalliances and committed to everyone involved that he would do his best to make it all right again. The jury is out on whether he can fix the mess he’s made but one thing is certain—we should all be so good at managing our message and navigating our way through a crisis.

In fact, your personal 30-second spiel about who you are, how you’re different, and why you’re memorable is arguably more important once you’ve landed that great position or won the support of investors and now interact with senior colleagues and important clients regularly.

A managing director on Wall Street once told me of a summer associate who made an uncharacteristically strong impression on senior leadership during a welcoming cocktail party. Within days, the managing director received numerous calls from senior partners advising him to “make sure she gets the attention and resources she needs to succeed this summer.” The young woman’s career has been on the fast track ever since.

So what can you possibly say over canapés and white wine to create so many powerful advocates so quickly and effectively? Think through the following ideas before you craft your pitch:

1. Have a compelling reason for why you want to be there, as in “why did you decide to join the firm?”
2. Know what it is that uniquely qualifies you for the position so that you can answer the how, as in “how did you actually get a job here?”
3. Be able to explain what ties together past and current experiences in a way that is compelling and makes sense — what is the glue that holds your story together?

Of course, no executive or senior manager would dare ask those questions, but your elevator pitch is your opportunity to communicate these critical pieces of information to someone in a crisp but casual way — without even being asked.

As you answer the why, how, and what,

1. Think relevant, not recent. There’s no rule that says you must talk about your resume in reverse chronological order. Mike was a marketing executive who took a sales position abroad for two years. Yet when he returned to marketing, he kept introducing himself as a someone who had just made a career switch, always leading off with an anecdote about his short stint in sales. Instead, Mike should have started with the fact that he was a seasoned marketing professional who had taken a sabbatical but was now back where he belonged — putting his marketing prowess to work and thinking about what drives consumer spending habits.
2. Focus on skills-based versus situation or industry-based qualifications. You don’t have to have a background in finance to be good at finance. Alex was a chemist and researcher who had gone back to business school to get her MBA. She decided she wanted to work in corporate finance for a large pharmaceutical company but she was afraid no one would take her seriously given her background. When I pressed Alex to explain to me why she chose finance, she exclaimed, “That’s the way my brain works.” Her thinking was methodical, mathematical and formulaic — all of which translated to someone who was a natural fit within a corporate finance department. Instead of focusing on the fact that her background was in academia, Alex could emphasize to colleagues and clients that she was a numbers person at her core.
3. Connect the dots — what ties it all together? If you are a chemist turned finance professional or a marketing executive with experience in international sales, you should find a way to bring together the richness of your experiences and show how each one complements the other. For me, personally, I had a significant hurdle to clear with clients as a former Peace Corps volunteer turned investment banker. I explained away the dichotomy of the two by emphasizing to others that I was big picture thinker by nature and a numbers person by training. Banking was a perfect combination of the two — I liked looking at client’s challenges and issues from 30,000 feet and then digging down into the details to come up with creative financing solutions. Whether the client was the mayor of my Peace Corps town in Chile or the CEO of a healthcare company, I could start at a high level and drill down quickly and effectively.

Mike, Alex and I were all arguably better positioned because of our unique stories and experiences. Ask yourself these questions as your craft your personal pitch and you’ll be able to use your story to impress others from the get-go too.

To see HBR comments, click here